DOTLAN EveMaps

We do what we must because we can.

Aperture Science started out as a manufacturer of Aperture Science Self-Wash Containment Cloths.

In fact, Aperture Science is still a leading manufacturer of Self-Wash Containment Cloths, and these are the shower curtains that are provided to every branch in the US Military (except the Navy).

Rest assured that your Self-Wash Containment Cloth will not stab you during your self-washing process, despite the Aperture Science 1960 Psychotic Self-Wash Containment Cloth Stabbing Scandal, and that the appearance of the word "Science" in the name of our company is merely a device to enhance the hygienic impression of the company.

Aperture Science somewhat changed its direction towards science thanks to the Aperture Science 1978 Three-Tier R&D System. Rest assured that any rumours of our founder having come up with this plan after contracting mercury poisoning in an attempt to poison the Naval Appropriations Committee is merely an outright fabrication by Black Mesa and you are an excellent entry reader.

Soon after the 1978 Three-Tier R&D System was concocted by our founder, he expired, and died for this soon after.

While the first and second tiers did their part towards improving man's place in mankind, all efforts were concentrated on the Portal project (the Uncyclopedia Entry Page takes this opportunity to remind you it does not exist) due to possible applications with the shower curtains. (The part with the shower curtains was later dismissed as a perverted idea, and was scrapped early on.)

Meanwhile, Aperture Laboratories, a subsidiary of Aperture Science that was set up for researching possible shades of colour for the Self-Wash Containment Cloths, began to build the Borealis in order to reach the Arctic and research possible applications of polar bear fur in the Self-Wash Containment Cloths. It was at this time that Aperture Laboratories began to develop de-icing equipment for the Borealis, as well as a disk operating system and a genetic lifeform. These three research departments were later merged to expand the Aperture Laboratories Polar Bear Fur Shower Curtains Department, and thus the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System began development. (Note that this is one of the most ridiculous ideas in equipment amalgamation. Oh, sorry, I was referring to the iPhone.)

This was tested on the Aperture Science Bring-Your-Daughter-To-Work Day (as Aperture Science was reverse sexist at the time), and in many ways the initial test went well. Knowledge of a dangerous Genetic Lifeform AI Morality Component malfunction resulting in the release of neurotoxin will result in immediate disqualification from reading this sentence, followed by death.

No further information is required or will be provided and you would make an excellent test subject for the nonexistent Portal project.