DOTLAN EveMaps

The mustache holds a position among varieties of facial hair that only be described as "superiorest." It demonstrates refinement, taste, and yet sufficient testosterone to produce an upper lip of manly hair follicles.
The chinstache, more commonly known as a goatee, is closely related in appearance to the mustache yet only manages to signal lack of care in shaving.
Close allies of the mustache, beards also express an abundance of masculinity and fashion sense, along with an enthusiasm for the outdoors. Yet they remain inferior, for said outdoors seem to become trapped in these beards, along with other items.
Bushy sideburns are not worth mentioning, as they are limited to dead Civil War generals and liberal university students.